What do I need right now?

You know those times where everything seems to come together? The theme of the novel you are reading, the magazine article you read, and the TEDx video that your best friend sent you all are sending you things that you are seeking, with messages that weave together into one important lesson? Well, I’m having one of those moments in time and I want to share it with you.

It all began when I made the decision to focus on spiritual growth and being a better, happier person. I also wanted to improve some important relationships in my life.

I decided to make this a priority and let my attention focus on that for a while. Then the lessons just started rolling in.

I was explaining this to a dear friend, telling her that I sent my intention out into the universe, and she stopped me right there. What does that mean to send your intention out into the universe? How exactly do you do that?

Oh, dearheart, I’m so glad you asked. For me, it began with this question:

What do I need in my life right now?

We first need to figure out what we need to bring into our lives. Sometimes it is obvious, we are ill so we must push everything else aside and focus on getting well. But often it is not so clear, and very often we just don't ask ourselves the question, so we get caught up doing what we think we ought to do, what we feel obligated to do, or what others want us to do. There is a lot of noise out there telling us what to do. But often those things distract us from what we really need.

If we quiet down and listen to ourselves, even for two minutes, we will know what it is that we really need.

What I like to do is close my eyes, take some deep breaths, and ask myself, "What is it that I need in my life right now?" Sometimes I think about what I need this week or today, and sometimes I think more long term. The answers usually come pouring in: "I need to rest!" when I'm exhausted but haven't given into it yet. Or "I need to play play play with my little boys!" Or "I need to declutter this house so I can think straight." Or "I really just want to work and write!" My inner voice is ready with the answer almost every time, and usually she adds, "I'm SO glad you finally asked!"

It is a mini-meditation. A check in to see if you are being true to yourself.

The lovely thing about asking yourself what you need is that you get to focus your energy on what you feel like attacking. You aren't forcing yourself to do anything you don't want, and I find that I get so much more done that way. You are just tuning into what you are energized to do.

I am really interested in figuring out how to improve myself and my relationships right now in this moment in time, so I enjoy spending my extra time and energy reading about it and journaling and talking to my dearest friends about what I'm learning. I will ride this wave until it wanes, which it always does.

When I checked in a few weeks ago, I heard a resounding, "I need to work on my relationships and myself. It is time to heal, to grow, to find a centering calm again." And the voice added, "And this might take a while."

So simply by the act of acknowledging that I need to work on my relationships and myself, I put my intention into the universe. And the universe starts delivering what I need. Also, I start focusing more on this, and I give myself permission to put other projects on the back burner for now.

There are some other activities that I do sometimes to be more deliberate about bringing things into my life, like creating a vision board and visualizing what I want to see. I’ll write about that later.

But usually, figuring out what it is that I need is all I have to do to get on track. Check back in tomorrow to read about some of the lessons that came from this.

What about you? How do you keep yourself tuned into what you truly need?

sweet things

Last week as we dropped Emerson off at school, Charlie called to him out the car door: "I love you, Emsen. Have a good day! I love you whole world!" Be still my heart!

Emerson is just as sweet to Charlie. Today, I overheard the two of them playing. Charlie cried out, "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" Emerson said in a very patient voice, "That's not a nice thing to say. Say 'Oh my goodness' instead." To which Charlie replied, "Oh my gosh!" I don't know where Emerson learned that Gosh isn't nice, but I guess there's something to that.

Then yesterday we visited Emerson's kindergarten class and Charlie got to go to gym class with him. They held hands and ran around together throughout every activity. Emerson held Charlie's feet down so he could attempt sit-ups, and then they switched and Charlie held Emerson's feet. I had to tear them apart so that Charlie and I could leave school. I think they would love it if they were twins and could be together all the time.

Right now I wish I could stop time and hold onto the sweetness of these boys as they are right now to each other. How Charlie wants to do everything that Emerson does, and how Emerson is fine with that. How they play together and draw together and read together. How Emerson teaches Charlie things. One of my greatest wishes is that they can remain close like this throughout their lives. I just love seeing how much they adore each other.

Happy Fat Tuesday! What is the sweetest thing in your life right now?

yoga as a drug

January brings out the crazies around here. It is so cold, the days are so short, and spring feels so far away that some of us start going mad for something new and different to break up the routine. And it is within that reality that I admit: I have become addicted to a weird kind of yoga. Bikram yoga. Hot yoga. And before you judge, I must tell you that it is 90 minutes of pure, sweaty awesomeness.

Now, I am not new to yoga. I took my first class more than ten years ago and have dabbled in it since then. But this is different.

Most yoga studios I have been to have a very peaceful, spa-like vibe to them. There's a great new yoga studio right in town with the most beautiful setting, I just want to move in. There are lit candles lining the edges of the clean, wood floors in the dim studios, hot tea for anyone who wants it, a spacious lobby with a snack bar and lovely things for sale, and beautiful teachers who put you into a trance and make you feel like yoga is a religious experience.

But, that's not where I've been going to yoga. I found the other studio. It is on the other side of town in a strip mall near the airport. The staff is gossipy and sort of mean, and they have a chip on their shoulder about that new, hip yoga studio. The teachers sometimes tell inappropriate stories or lecture you about taking care of your feet while you lay captive in vinyasa. Worst of all, the studio is carpeted. YES, carpeted. Every time I go there I tell myself that working out barefoot on sweaty, soggy carpet is a deal breaker. Yet, I keep going back. I am hooked.

I am hooked because it is an incredible workout. The room is hot, more than 105 degrees, and the teacher leads us through a series of 26 poses. They are challenging positions that stretch and push us beyond where we think we can go. We sweat more than we ever have sweat, it drips onto the towels over our mats. Our hearts thump in our chests between poses so hard we think our neighbors might be able to hear it. Our neighbors sit out poses, and it is normal to feel dizzy. And we love it. We come back for more. Every class I can see improvement. I can do things I wasn't able to do a few classes ago. I leave class feeling rejuvenated and healthy. I can see changes in my body, and I envision this practice melting my body into a svelt physique just in time for summer.

It is such a good workout that I am getting over the carpet. It turns out that it is special outdoor carpet meant for such purposes, and is sanitized between each class. I am getting over the fact that this is not a nurturing yoga environment. The instructors are not going to walk me through a zen-like candle-lit class, they are more like drill instructors than motherly Buddhists. But I still walk out of class free of tension and with a clear head.

I do sometimes wonder if it is really all that healthy. Sometimes people leaving the studio have a fatigued, might-pass-out-at-any-moment look. Driving home from class I feel exhilirated, yet my decision-making seems slowed to the point that I wonder if I should be operating the heavy machinery that my Chevy clearly is. You burn an incredible amount of calories doing Bikram, I've read both 900 to 2000 calories per 90 minute session. That is appealing and kind of scary at the same time.

So I don't think that I'll do this forever, but I am enjoying it as a way to get back in shape over the long winter months. And I'm not the only one who is addicted to this weird drug of mine. The studio is full most classes of Bikram junkies. Yesterday as I walked into the studio, there was a crowd of soaked, half-naked people sitting on benches in the icy January air, with a cloud of steam coming off their bodies. It looked like they were out there smoking, in front of this strip mall on a Thursday night. The glass to the studio is tinted dark so you can't see inside, like a night club. No one was smiling, the mood was intense, serious. All of us there to get our Bikram yoga fix. It made me realize that there are a lot of ways we could be trying to get through this long winter, and that Bikram might not be so weird after all.

Plant-based diet

In September I began eating a plant-based diet, and it has been kind of exciting. By plant-based I mean that I'm not eating any meat or dairy or eggs. In other words, vegan. Up until about three weeks ago, I never thought I would try this. I was a vegetarian for years, and we eat mostly vegetarian around our house, but being vegan still seemed daunting.

Then my sister told me about The Kind Diet, a book about eating a more plant-based diet, which is kind to your body, the planet, and animals. The book is written by Alicia Silverstone and a nutritionist. I don't usually get my nutritional advice from actresses, but I have to say she does a really good job of making becoming vegan sound like a fun adventure, and totally possible. To a cheese lover like me, that was a major accomplishment. She's a tried and true foodie and has been a vegan for more than a decade. When we lived in Los Angeles, Ross and I used to frequent the farmer's market and we would see her there a lot, hanging with the farmers. So I know she's the real deal. The book also gets into macrobiotic diet, which maximizes all the benefits.

So I've been doing the vegan thing for almost a month, and I have to say I feel great! The first week was hard, I felt sluggish and grumpy, which she said was to be expected as your body "detoxes". Now I feel full of energy and so bright. I feel fresh, healthy, cruelty-free...better. More alive in many ways, perhaps because the food I'm eating is very much still alive.

I've had much fewer cravings than I expected, and when I do have cravings I indulge in something satisfying and vegan. Usually peanut butter is involved. The hardest part, as with any dietary change, is figuring out the ingredients to have around the house and the go-to recipes. It also has not always been easy to cook for my non-vegan family at the same time, but we're making it work. I've even been able to find a vegan meal at restaurants pretty easily.

Since delving into this project, I've also learned that Bill Clinton is now a vegan for health reasons, as following a plant-based diet has been found to reverse heart disease. I am sure that he also appreciates how his diet greatly reduces his carbon footprint. And Alex Baldwin too has become vegan, and have you seen him lately? He looks amazing.

Some nice benefits I've noticed so far: I enjoy food so much more. I really appreciate a satisfying plate of healthy food, usually grains, beans, and veggies of some sort. And even though it feels like I've been eating non-stop, I've lost the 5 pounds that I've wanted to drop. Bonus!

The best part, I think, is feeling the freedom of living according to my values. The way we treat animals in factory farming, including dairy and egg production, is just plain unethical. I have been a vegetarian on and off, but have never given up dairy or eggs. Since I was consuming it all my life I realize I had been ignoring, to some extent, how sad I was to be supporting such practices. I feel free from that now, and it is a very liberating feeling.

I cannot say that I will always be vegan, but now that I know it is possible and an option when locally-sourced and sustainably raised meat, dairy and eggs are not available. Also, I'm not saying it is for everyone (maybe it is, but I don't feel qualified to say so!) all of the time. I'm eating plenty of vegetables, beans, and grains and taking supplements to make sure I get all of the vitamins and omegas that I need.

And you know what, I feel great!

Happy Halloween!

Puff the magic dragon with his pumpkin creation.

Sir Chuckle-alot the dragon slayer.

I loved making their costumes, and then walking around town with friends for Tricks or Treats, running into many more friends, and seeing all the houses decked out for Halloween. Oh, and the spiced wine was a nice addition. Hope yours was nice too!

Fall fun

Pumpkin patch.

Hayrides.

Hot cider.

Corn mazes.

Colorful trees.

Collecting leaves.

Goodbye summer, it's okay now. We have fall.

letting go of expectations

I have been trying to live more in the moment, to enjoy my children more, and to laugh more. I've found that I'm often distracted with all the things I need and want to do, and I feel it is taking away from my time with them. So I have been working on simplifying our home with fewer possessions to clean up after, and simplifying our schedules so we don't have too much going on. But even on the most simplified weeks, I can still feel overwhelmed by all there is to do.

Then I had an "aha" moment while reading Meg Meeker's The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers. I realized that one invisible area that needed simplifying is my expectations for myself. That is what has been draining me. I simply have too many expectations, and I've been silently beating myself up for not meeting those expectations. For example, I've been expecting myself to work more hours and make more money, cook better dinners, eat more local food, wear nicer clothes, fix up our house, keep it tidier, exercise more, start painting, blog more, be a better friend, spend more time with my husband, and figure out (and pursue) my one true purpose in life...

No wonder I'm feeling overwhelmed. No wonder I cannot focus on playing with Charlie in our mornings together. I feel like I should be redoing the bathroom and going for a run and on and on. And I think this is how a lot of women feel.

Following Meeker's advice, I made a list of all of these things I expect of myself. After reading it over a few times, I tore it up.

Then I made a list of the 10 goals I have deep down for myself. The things that I believe are what goes into being a great woman and mother. This took more thought, and I may still refine this list. After prioritizing them, I took the top three and let go of the rest. For the next few months, at least, focusing on these things is enough. I'm working on:

1. Living more in the moment, and being more focused (not distracted) with my children,

2. Being a better friend, and

3. Being content with who I am, just the way I am today.

I noticed that my list was less tangible than the other expectations I have for myself, so it is no wonder that these have been pushed aside when I'm not focused on them. But each of these priorities will take work, and I don't plan on just paying more attention to these areas. I'm going to pursue them. For example, I plan to write my close friends notes, and look for ways to help them out or show them they are special to me. There are a few people who I have been meaning to ask over for coffee to get to know them better, and now I will do that and build my circle of friends. Friends are really important to a good life, and I want to put more energy and intention into them.

This exercise was so liberating. Now I see what I really want to focus on, and I can let the rest go for now. I may still get around to painting the bathroom and going for a run occasionally, but I won't beat myself up about it if I don't. I have more important things that I'm working on.

There is another layer to all of this. On a subconscious level, I have felt for some time that every moment of my day needs to be productive. If I am not working for pay, I should be fixing up the house or crossing something else off my (really long) to-do list. Doing something that wasn't on this to-do list, or spending any leisure time for myself made me feel guilty. With so many expectations and a long to-do list, it is no wonder that I was feeling this way. Having priorities and letting go of that to-do list (literally getting rid of it) is helping.

Yesterday afternoon, I took Charlie to the park. It was a beautiful, sunny fall day. We talked and played and laughed. I was living in the moment without any thoughts of what I "should be doing" nagging at me. I was exactly where I should be. It was so much fun. It is working already!