letting go of expectations

I have been trying to live more in the moment, to enjoy my children more, and to laugh more. I've found that I'm often distracted with all the things I need and want to do, and I feel it is taking away from my time with them. So I have been working on simplifying our home with fewer possessions to clean up after, and simplifying our schedules so we don't have too much going on. But even on the most simplified weeks, I can still feel overwhelmed by all there is to do.

Then I had an "aha" moment while reading Meg Meeker's The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers. I realized that one invisible area that needed simplifying is my expectations for myself. That is what has been draining me. I simply have too many expectations, and I've been silently beating myself up for not meeting those expectations. For example, I've been expecting myself to work more hours and make more money, cook better dinners, eat more local food, wear nicer clothes, fix up our house, keep it tidier, exercise more, start painting, blog more, be a better friend, spend more time with my husband, and figure out (and pursue) my one true purpose in life...

No wonder I'm feeling overwhelmed. No wonder I cannot focus on playing with Charlie in our mornings together. I feel like I should be redoing the bathroom and going for a run and on and on. And I think this is how a lot of women feel.

Following Meeker's advice, I made a list of all of these things I expect of myself. After reading it over a few times, I tore it up.

Then I made a list of the 10 goals I have deep down for myself. The things that I believe are what goes into being a great woman and mother. This took more thought, and I may still refine this list. After prioritizing them, I took the top three and let go of the rest. For the next few months, at least, focusing on these things is enough. I'm working on:

1. Living more in the moment, and being more focused (not distracted) with my children,

2. Being a better friend, and

3. Being content with who I am, just the way I am today.

I noticed that my list was less tangible than the other expectations I have for myself, so it is no wonder that these have been pushed aside when I'm not focused on them. But each of these priorities will take work, and I don't plan on just paying more attention to these areas. I'm going to pursue them. For example, I plan to write my close friends notes, and look for ways to help them out or show them they are special to me. There are a few people who I have been meaning to ask over for coffee to get to know them better, and now I will do that and build my circle of friends. Friends are really important to a good life, and I want to put more energy and intention into them.

This exercise was so liberating. Now I see what I really want to focus on, and I can let the rest go for now. I may still get around to painting the bathroom and going for a run occasionally, but I won't beat myself up about it if I don't. I have more important things that I'm working on.

There is another layer to all of this. On a subconscious level, I have felt for some time that every moment of my day needs to be productive. If I am not working for pay, I should be fixing up the house or crossing something else off my (really long) to-do list. Doing something that wasn't on this to-do list, or spending any leisure time for myself made me feel guilty. With so many expectations and a long to-do list, it is no wonder that I was feeling this way. Having priorities and letting go of that to-do list (literally getting rid of it) is helping.

Yesterday afternoon, I took Charlie to the park. It was a beautiful, sunny fall day. We talked and played and laughed. I was living in the moment without any thoughts of what I "should be doing" nagging at me. I was exactly where I should be. It was so much fun. It is working already!