Facing my shadow

I recently made the decision to focus on finding more inner peace, and improving some important relationships in my life.

Once I made the decision, walah, the universe started sending me the things that I needed for this journey. Perhaps it was just that my attention was now drawn to things around me, and that I had opened the space in my life to explore these things. Whatever the case, the lessons rolled in.

It began by reading an article in Yoga Journal (“Me and my Shadow” February 2012) a couple Sundays ago (I knew it was a good idea to skip church that day!) about facing our negative qualities in order to discover what fears and insecurities lie beneath and ultimately overcoming them.

Let’s face it, sometimes all of us can feel jealous or judgemental or just plain mean. Carl Jung called it “the person you’d rather not be” or your “shadow.” I guess your "dark side" sounds too intense or Star Warsian. Whatever you call it, it is all the selfish, primitive, egoistic aspects of yourself.

In some ‘yogic scriptures’ these shadow characteristics are known as kleshas, which means causes of suffering. Yeah, that rings true. Feeling jealous and insecure is certainly a form of suffering.

The author made the case that this "shadow" holds aspects of your personality that you would rather not take a close look at - things that you are ashamed of and that you do not examine. Your hidden tendency to be judgmental or vain may actually be the underpinnings of your annoyance with your judgmental neighbor or your vain boss. These qualities are often primitive and immature because “they have not been cooked in the fire of our self awareness.” How eloquent is that quote! So when we see these qualities in other people or situations, it causes negative reactions from us that we may not recognize or understand.

Okay, so if I look closely at the circumstances that bring out these qualities in myself, then I can figure out why I act this way, and I can change it. There are certain situations and people that trigger these bad feelings in me. I can use these times as red flags, and dig deep to try to understand what is going on in that fascinating primal mind of mine.

I started putting this to practice in my daily life by thinking about the things and people that trigger negative feelings and behaviors, and then looking at the possible reasons behind this. For example, lately I have been annoyed by new mothers. The ones who analyze everything together and compare every decision to make sure they don’t make a poor choice and brag about how their child watches zero television. You know, the kind of new mother that I was a few years ago.

Sure, some of these qualities are just plain annoying. And at first I blew off my annoyance as just a sign that I was moving on from that phase of my life (now that I have a school aged child and school aged things to think about). But there was something more going on inside of me, a deeper irritation, and it was affecting some of my relationships. It was worth a closer look.

When I started to be really honest with myself, I realized that part of this annoyance came from my deep desire to parent well. My children are so important to me and I have invested so much time and energy into their well-being since their births. I don’t want to rehash those conversations about circumcision and diapers and solid foods and decide that I made a poor choice in my child’s earliest years. No thank you!

I also realized that I might be a wee bit jealous of those new moms. I loved the baby years, and while they put me through the ringer, I miss the wide-eyed, excited, five years younger version of myself and that new baby.

When I unravel this and see that they are partly my issues causing these negative feelings, it allows me to look at these mamas with less annoyance and with more understanding. It helps me see these mothers not as competitors, but more as kindred spirits in this together. It even healed an important relationship in my life where I had been misinterpreting motives.

I have applied this to other red flag situations and relationships in my life. It is surprising how quickly this practice helps me transform my feelings towards people and my behavior, in a matter of minutes sometimes.

Imagine a life with fewer negative feelings and less conflict! That sounds like a world with more room for joy and for our better selves to shine through. More space to create good in the world. I really, really want to keep this as a part of my life.

Give it a try. What brings out your shadow emotions? Were you able to heal them?

Check out the next teacher in this journey later this week.